Life from inside a box

I wonder how far back is normal to remember of your childhood? I feel like I don't remember as much as I should? I have specific memories of certain moments when I was young but I can't put together the ages I was in those memories and it´s always just fragments. It´s almost like I started existing around the age 10 or 11except for those flashes in my mind of memories that have little context to them. It´s almost like I am remembering a dream that I once had many years ago but now I'm not sure if it really was a dream or maybe it really happened? But deep down I know that it was real. I'm not talking about all dramatic or traumatic memories, some of them are just simple things like I have this memory of sitting in the dirt with some of those small matchbox cars? I was making roads and little towns with them. I don't remember where I lived or how old I was or if anyone else was around, but I can see it so clearly in my memory. I can even feel how I felt in that moment, I would have liked to spend eternity in that right there.

I just wanted to send a message and prayer out to the wife, kids, and loved ones of Charlie Kirk: with all my heart I am sorry for your loss!!! I know that my words don't mean anything and I will be honest, I disagree with probably more of Charlie's view points than I agreed with but I also think that he was a good human being who cared deeply about our youth in this country. I believe he was a good father to his children and husband to his wife. You could just watch them on TV and see how happy they where. As wrong as I thought he was on a lot of issues, I respect that he was always open to listening to others and debating In a open and honest way. I pray that his wife's love and memories are stronger than her pain. This shouldn't happen in America. I hear our government keep saying how they are going to bring the political temperature down after every tragedy and within a day one side is blaming the other and nothing changes for the better. I am listening to Fox News as I am writing this and the hosts keep trying to get Trump to say that everyone should do better in the way the political sides treat each other and he just doesn't have it in him to say it. He just continues to call the other side "far left lunatics" and he's saying that they want to murder the right. It´s not just Trump though, I hear people on the other side always calling republicans Hitler and even worse. I just don't know how it gets better from here and that's depressing. I think about my grandkids and wonder what things will be like when they are my age? I worry for them.

I find it really hard to like or respect men. I will be completely honest, sometimes I feel like I very much dislike them with a passion that I worry borders on hate. My daughter recently had a domestic violence situation and it reinforced a lot of that. Before I continue in what I want to try and say I need to make some confessions, otherwise I would feel like a hypocrite. I was once a horrible man when it came to how I treated women. I have committed all the typical sins that men commit. I have lied, cheated and mistreated women in so many ways. I have hurt women that loved me all the way to their souls I think.

I am not a Democrat nor am I a Republican. I am not even an independent. I am just who I am and I live by the truth regardless of what side of society it happens to be politically advantageous for. Of course I am human, I have my own biases but that doesn't make me see everything through that lens. I see each political side basically tying themselves in to pretzels trying to rationalize and justify the unjustifiable. I am embarrassed at the lack of personal courage and backbone of my government.

The most frustrating part of prison is when you have done all the work. When you have sincerely chosen to change and to be a better person and then actually did it, but still you have more debt to pay. Still you remain in a box. I have sincerely with all my heart and everything good in me become a better man. I have put so much work in and I was consistent, authentic and relentless and somewhere along the way I succeeded. That doesn't mean that I am done, I will always continue to grow and to be better, that mission is never finished. I wake up every morning and look in to the metal thing on my wall that is supposed to be a mirror and I love myself. I cant begin to know how to express to you what a miracle that is. I am so grateful and thankful, I literally feel overwhelmed even in this exact moment with real hope! But then I remember how I still have 12 years left and that's what's frustrating, I am so prepared and excited and I can see my path so clear in front of me yet I can't move forward. I feel stuck at the starting line! I still owe a debt that requires more of me, a debt that can not be fulfilled with any amount of work. It doesn't acknowledge anything other than time. Time is the only currency that it accepts.

I have been thinking a lot about panic attacks. The truth is that I have been having a lot of them. In a recent response from D I was asked to write about this. I will tell you up front that I have no idea why I have panic attacks, I only know that they suck and are really scary. I stopped having them for a long time and just a few weeks ago they came back with a vengeance. Nothing significant changed in my life around this period in time. I have no new problems. It is really the opposite, I feel more blessed than I have in a long time. This blog has changed my life for the better. I have been holding my thoughts and feelings inside of myself almost all of my life and having a place to go and share them, and even get responses from people who care, it has opened my world up in a way I never thought was possible.

It occurred to me recently that I use the word HOPE a lot. When I use it I mean it. It´s when I have this feeling in my chest, like an overwhelming need or desire of wanting something to happen or just to be true. The more I think about hope and what it actually means, the more powerful and significant of a thing it seems. Doesn't the simple task of waking up in the morning and choosing to live throughout the day require hope? No matter how much I lose or how bad things are, there is always this thing inside me that looks towards the future with some form of ???, the only possible word that fits at the end of that sentence is hope isn't it? Why else would I continue on?

I just wanted to write a short message to D and others who have responded to my blog and my specific questions. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time for that, the information has been very helpful and stimulating.

Now you can also follow me on Substack, link below!

Are things really that political out there?